Friday Humor

I figured what better way to end the weekdend than with a few jokes.. I hope you all enjoy them.

A duck walks into a pub and orders a schooner of beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says, "But you're a duck".

"I see your eyes are working", replies the duck.

"And you talk!" exclaims the barman.

"I see your ears are working", says the duck,

"Now can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"

"Certainly", says the barman, "sorry about that, it's just we don't get
many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?".

"I'm working on the building site across the road", explains the duck.

Then the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich and leaves.

This continues for 2 weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town.

The Ringleader of the circus comes into the pub and the barman says to him,

"You're with the circus aren't you?, I know this duck that would be just
brilliant in your circus, he talks, drinks beer and everything!".

"Sounds marvelous", says the ringleader, "get him to give me a call".

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says,

"Hey Mr Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good
money!"

"Yeah?", says the duck, "Sounds great, where is it?"

"At the circus", says the barman.

"The circus?" the duck enquires.

"That's right", replies the barman.

"The circus?" the duck asks again.

"Yes" says the barman

"That place with the big tent?" the duck enquires.

"Yeah" the barman replies.

"With all the animals?" the duck questioned.

"Of Course" the barman replies.

"With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle", asks the duck.

"That's right!" says the barman.

The duck looks confused.

"What the fuck would they want with a bricklayer?
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Husband Wanted.

A lonely older lady, aged 75, decided it was time to get married. She put a
wanted ad in the local paper that read: HUSBAND WANTED.
Must be in my age group, must not beat me, must not run around on me, and
must still be good in bed! All applicants must apply in person.

On the second day of the ad, she heard the doorbell ring. Much to her
dismay, when she opened the door, there sat a man in a wheelchair. He had
no arms or legs.

She asked sardonically, "You're not expecting me to consider you, are you?
Just look at you - you have no legs!"
The old man smiled, "Therefore no chance to run around on you!"
She snorted, "You have no arms either!"
Again the old man smiled. "Nor can I beat you!"
The old lady raised her eyebrows and gazed at him intensely. "Are you still
good in bed?" she asked.
With a smirk the old man said, "Rang the doorbell didn't I?"

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Cute Story
Little Bruce and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they just know that they
are in love.
One day they decide that they want to get married, so Bruce goes to Jenny's
father to ask him for her hand. Bruce bravely walks up to him and says,
"Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love, and I want to ask you for her hand
in marriage."
Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well
Bruce, you are only 10. Where will you two live?"
Without even taking a moment to think about it, Bruce replies, "In Jenny's
room. It's bigger than mine, and we can both fit there nicely."
Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin,
"Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll
need to support Jenny." Again, Bruce instantly replies, "Our allowance.
Jenny makes 5 bucks a week, and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60
bucks a month and that should do us just fine."
By this time, Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Bruce has put so much
thought into this. He thinks for a moment trying to come up with
something that Bruce won't have an answer to.
After a second, Mr. Smith says: "Well Bruce, it seems like you have got
everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you. What
will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?"
Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says, "Well, we've been lucky so far."
Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little shit is so adorable!