This post is based on a lick of sleep and I guess you can say a bit of the winter blues. As I was lying in bed around 2am many things started going through my head. But the one that stood out the most was “coming out” to family and friends. It made me start thinking about my life and how it would be if I came out. Or better yet it made me wonder, do others feel that their family know however there is a “Don’t Ask Don’t Tell” policy.
The reason I’m asking this question is because a few years ago when I was dating this one guy and invited him to my family house for Thanksgiving and Christmas (he even made the turkey for the first Thanksgiving which my family still talk about), nothing was brought up about this as to what type of “friends” we are. I guess they thought we were just old buddies since we both went to the same High School.
Now I’m sure some of you might think that “they know” however every time we go out somewhere and a women “flirts” with me my family is always like. Oh she’s a nice girl, you should try to introduce yourself to her, now anyone that knows me will know that either male or female I’m not the type of person to just approach someone (at least not with out a lot of booze first).
It just upsets me at times that I’m such a coward to come out to my family. I mean we’re not the “Cosby” family or anything however we are close. Which is why I think it’s so hard. I’m not sure how they would react. I’ve read both good coming out stories… and bad ones… and I’m just not sure if I’m ready to deal with it now.
Sometimes I wish that if they know that they will just come right out and say it or at the very least ask instead of me holding it all in. I think this is one of the major reasons I’m not really that close to my family because I don’t want them to discover this part of me. This secret life I live even though we live in the same city. Sometimes I wonder if I’ll ever tell my family or if they will ever ask me. I guess time only tell.
Oh to get to the reason for this post. It’s actually a question for both people who are out as well as people who are still in the closet.
If you’re out what was the reason for you to come out, or were you actually asked by a parent / friend if you were gay. How has this affected your relationship with the people close around you? How long have you lived your life in the closet?
For others still in the closet, what is your reason for that? Is it because you’re afraid of how your family will react (sort of like you let them down). Do you think you will ever come out on your own to your loved ones?
So you can see from my bio I’m in my 30’s and still afraid of the stigma surround black gay males. I think the stereotypes that I see on T.V. and in public might also be a factor as to why I choose to stay in the closet. They usually range from being totally Nelly Queens, which I am not, or they are “Thugs” which I am not attracted to in the least. I hope this does not sound racist or anything however I feel as though to be Black or Mexican and gay, is a bigger issue than if you were white.
The reason I’m saying this is because “mainstream” society seems to accept white gay American more. However in the Black and Mexican community it seems to be as though you are a disgrace to your race because you’re not a “Man”. Sorry this post is going on longer than I intended. I’m sure everyone has their views on this subject and any comments (or suggestions) someone can give would be very helpful.
Feb 1, 2008
Coming Out (Why?)
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6 comments:
Hi -- that's a pretty deep post. I am a white gay male in his late (ugh) 30s living in Memphis, Tennessee, which has a majority black population. You are right. Being gay is a huge taboo among the black community. I have been out to all my friends almost a year, but I have several gay friends that are also black and I have noticed that, while there are not a huge number of gay black men that are out and socialize regularly in the gay community (which is predominatly white), I find more than I would have initially would have thought. I think this is probably because there is a much higher acceptance level in the gay community as opposed to the black community where the lifestyle is frowned upon to say the least. Just my observations about life in Memphis. I don't know if things are different in more progressive cities. All that said, in response to you initial comments...I have not come out to my parents yet either. I come from a VERY conservative religious background where being gay just does not fly. I find it sad that if I had killed someone in cold blood, I would be considered a better person than if I were gay. But that is the reality of life in the South. I told all my friends almost a year ago and I cannot tell you what a positive experience it was. Everyone was so accepting and loving. I went almost 10 years without talking to a single soul about being gay and that is NO way to live. It was a tortured existance. It is so much more relaxing to be yourself and not have to worry about keeping your guard up around your closest friends. But I can see where your situation may be a bit different in the black community. Hopefully, you have some good friends that will love you even when they know who you are. As for my parents, I don't know if I will ever tell them. We are all so repressed. It is the elephant in the room that nobody discusses. It isn't real unless someone talks about it. Sometimes denial can be the best place for parents -- at least for now...I wish you the BEST of luck with your family and friends. Know that you are not alone out there. If you ever feel the need to talk, drop me a line on my blog and I will send you my email address... Take care... Shel
Hi -- that's a pretty deep post. I am a white gay male in his late (ugh) 30s living in Memphis, Tennessee, which has a majority black population. You are right. Being gay is a huge taboo among the black community. I have been out to all my friends almost a year, but I have several gay friends that are also black and I have noticed that, while there are not a huge number of gay black men that are out and socialize regularly in the gay community (which is predominatly white), I find more than I would have initially would have thought. I think this is probably because there is a much higher acceptance level in the gay community as opposed to the black community where the lifestyle is frowned upon to say the least. Just my observations about life in Memphis. I don't know if things are different in more progressive cities. All that said, in response to you initial comments...I have not come out to my parents yet either. I come from a VERY conservative religious background where being gay just does not fly. I find it sad that if I had killed someone in cold blood, I would be considered a better person than if I were gay. But that is the reality of life in the South. I told all my friends almost a year ago and I cannot tell you what a positive experience it was. Everyone was so accepting and loving. I went almost 10 years without talking to a single soul about being gay and that is NO way to live. It was a tortured existance. It is so much more relaxing to be yourself and not have to worry about keeping your guard up around your closest friends. But I can see where your situation may be a bit different in the black community. Hopefully, you have some good friends that will love you even when they know who you are. As for my parents, I don't know if I will ever tell them. We are all so repressed. It is the elephant in the room that nobody discusses. It isn't real unless someone talks about it. Sometimes denial can be the best place for parents -- at least for now...I wish you the BEST of luck with your family and friends. Know that you are not alone out there. If you ever feel the need to talk, drop me a line on my blog and I will send you my email address... Take care... Shel
I'm out to just some of my friends. I haven't told my family (I live with them) for several reasons. Mainly, because I know that even though they probably won't reject me, they certainly have a lot of prejudices about gay people (drugs, AIDS, and lifestyle in general), which probably would make them think (at least secretly)that I'm a deviated drugaddict, instead of just a normal guy who happens to feel attracted to other men. That would generate a degree of awkwardness between us that I just wouldn't be able to tolerate.
As for homosexuality in latin culture, I don't think it's that different than it is for white americans. The problem is that the situation we're living right now, is probably the same one that gay people in america were going through in the 60's or 70's, when gay couples were no longer something seen as "sinful", or "bad", but they certainly weren't completely accepted, either. Colombia, as it happens with the rest of latinamerica, is just opening to a wide diversity of lifestyles, so seing a gay couple holding hands in a mall here is not frequent, and it does atract a lot of attention from people, but not neccesarily rejection.
I think coming out is a process that each person needs to develop naturaly, without forcing things. You can't think of telling your family something so important about yourself just because you feel you "must do it". I say this, because sometimes I feel pressured when I hear gay friends telling me how well their families took it. I tell myself "why don't I just do it?" But after thinking a little bit more about it, I realize it's better to wait until I feel ready to tell them, and specially, until I'm ready for whatever reaction they may have.
Take care!
redgalaxoid
Hi,
Just stumbled across your blog and so I thought I'd tell you about my experience with this. I'm 21 and living at home, but I've done some serious thinking and I know that my mother would not be ok with it due to religious reasons. My father however would be much more accepting. I fear the rejection from my mother, and I think I have a good relationship with her. My life over the past year has become much more secretive as I have met a guy, The Guy, as I refer to him in my blog posts. We hang out often times into the late night hours and I find reasons to sneak out of the house. I personally don't like the lying to my parents and all of those issues. If I thought it would be better to come out, honestly I would do it, but there are many family circumstances preventing me right now. Not sure how much help I was, but I wanted to respond
Just remember that whenever you do come out to them, they will need some time to adjust. You have had much longer to get used to it than they have. I'm sure they would embrace anyone whom they felt you loved. I've never heard of any family who didn't eventually come around, even in the worst case scenarios. If you truly are as close as you say, they will never change their love for you and will accept whomever you love. You are probably more worried about them realizing you have not been totally honest all these years, rather than them being upset that you are gay. True? Once you have nothing to hide, your genuineness with them will only bring you all closer.
Good luck and God Bless.
I know what it is your trying to say.
I'd done the closet for so long it had started to get comfortable. But I came out to my family as I find i've now accepted it, and no longer really care what other people think of it. I'm still not as open about it as others but I'm getting there.
Truth is I find that if you can't accept yourself.. how can you expect someone else to accept you for what you are.
My coming out didn't feel forced.. I just got to a point that I couldn't take it anymore.
Must admit though.. my coming out wasn't the best of coming outs :o(
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